I was actually going to post about regret, now I know that you shouldn't live with regret, but for some reason yesterday I had a few thoughts of what if. You all know what I'm talking about, the what if I had done this instead of that. I listen to NPR alot during the day with the ladies, it seems to always be on in the back ground. Yesterday they had a story about how a group of people dropped everything and decided to follow their dream of creating a "off the grid" kind of lifestyle...they totally live off the land, even their housing is made to decompose back into the earth after ten years!
Now I'm not saying I wanted to ever go live like that, but there have been a few moments in my life where I was presented with choices, almost like your standing at the fork in the road of life and you have to choose. Its strange times now down these chosen roads Ive wondered what if I chose the other, where would I be, how would I be, what kind of person would I become. During my senior year in college I had toyed with idea of going into the Peace Corp. talked about it and looked into it a bit. Even got the application a time or too, but never took the plunge.
I told myself my parents would throw a fit, their only daughter is already living in a different state all by herself (at the time) and now she wants to go to a different country for a couple of years??? Then there was a boy, who at the time I thought our relationship would go somewhere, so I chose to look for a teaching assignment closer to Seattle in which he lived...and it didn't work out...live and learn. But that is probably thee only thing I can say I regret, not listening to myself and doing something for myself, just me.
OK, well I guess I did discuss regret. But I wanted to get into what happen this morning over breakfast. The husband and I are sitting eating our cereal and talking about the kids (yes I know you can all relate). Well I guess during the conversation a response wasn't to the degree of perky-ness he wanted. So in true husband fashion he says I just want you to perk up and be happy with your life, you never seem that happy anymore...
I sat there looking at him wondering, WTF? You get this from one comment. So we then get into a heated conversation of hey I had twins 7 months ago, there have been many times I haven't been the happiest lately, all due to freakin hormones and the F**KING roller coaster they take you on after giving birth. I'm happy to say I haven't taken anything, Ive thought about it, but the bad days seem to be not as bad as often as time goes on...until your husband tells you your not happy and need to perk up. Long story short he ended up saying sorry after I had a melt down, and yes I know he really meant it, because..
After calming down and explaining that its not always a perking day, but that doesn't mean someone isn't happy. I love my family, I enjoy my life (I know I didn't say love...) and I'm a work in progress in finding the happy balance of this new title of Momma I have been given. Moral of the story... Don't try and fit a person into your own definition of happy. Because that will just in the end disappoint both of you.
Deep breath, a little more coffee....
Ahh, Mommahood.
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